Abundance Deep Dive: Day 10

Dear Diary,

Today was a great grounded day!  Steve launched into how to eliminate Resistance with Practical Action Steps.

I keep thinking about people in my life, and the constant fight they have with resistance.  It’s often easier to see it in other people, than it is to see it in our own lives.

I have a friend in an unhappy relationship, but stays because “it’s too hard to start over.”

I have family working jobs they hate but it pays decent money.

I’ve had similar experiences in my own relationships and career.  I usually stay until it gets so bad that leaving becomes the only option.  What might’ve happened if I’d left sooner?  Would the situation have been any different?  Probably not, actually, and I could’ve been much happier a lot sooner!

 

I’ve learnt over the years that it’s not worth being unhappy, for any reason.

I start to become apathetic, and nothing gets done when I’m in that mode.  I slide into the worst version of me, and my creativity comes to a screeching halt.  A total waste of time, energy, and potential opportunities.

I’ve learned to catch myself before I slide too far down.  Asking myself, “Do I want another year of this?”  “If I had a chance to do this over again, would I change anything?”

When I thought about my business, and needing to start scheduling classes for the fall, I was cringing.  I wasn’t excited, and it felt like a chore.

What happened?  What shifted to suddenly slide back into resentment and dislike, for something that is supposed to bring me joy?  There are people in the world that would give anything to be in my position.  What’s wrong with me?

STOP!  That’s the problem.  It’s not about anyone else, it’s about me.

Instead of beating myself up over the “supposed to’s” and “just be grateful” that society hits us with, how about digging into why this doesn’t light me up anymore.  Let’s solve this problem once and for all.

What parts of this business do I like?  What parts would I change?  Can I find a happy win/win?

Sometimes the answer is simple, and it’s just a reframe.  Recommitting becomes joyful when we choose to fall in love all over again!  But I feel like I’ve done that already.  Now what?

I wrote out my ideal day.  How do I want to spend my time?  What would I make?  What would I do exactly?

It took courage to ask myself, what if I never taught another class?  What might my life be like?  I’d never considered that to be an option, since that’s how I pay the bills.  I have to teach. 

Actually, no.

I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do.

If it’s not something that makes me want to jump out of bed and get to work on, I don’t want to entertain it.

So, back to my ideal day.  If it’s such a perfect life, why can’t I connect A to B?  What’s stopping me?

Money.  I need money to pay bills.  Money comes from people taking classes.  I sometimes have to chase people for the money.  Or convince them that its good value.  Or guide them to taking more classes so I can do this cycle over and over again.

I want variety in my life and students want to make what their friends are making.  Do you know how many Dragonfly wings I’ve had to cut in the last year?  Too many…

I love them, but I’m sick of the same old shit.

I want to make EPIC pieces, that sing to me, and dance as I solder them together…  I want a challenge!  I want to grow!

I realized that a Renegotiation was probably not going to work with my students either.  They know what they want, and I know what I want.  We’re on two different pages, in two different books.  I’d be sacrificing my happiness in order to serve them.  Haven’t I been doing that already?  How’s that working for me?

 

I need to pay attention to the signs that are showing up!

 

Tarot is something I find quite fascinating.  I feel like the cards never lie.  There is room for interpretation, and you can go as deep as you’d like, but there is something magical about them.

I kept getting the Death card.  No matter what spread, or who was reading the cards.  It doesn’t mean that someone is going to die.  In my circumstance, it felt like a clear sign something needed to end, in order for the “new” to be born.

I resisted this for a very long time.  I love glass.  I love my students.  I love their lightbulb moments and I really don’t want to start something new.

So I didn’t.  I danced around the decision for a year!  I made more money, more connections, and grew a business that I didn’t like.

When I finally asked myself, “What if I didn’t teach…” I felt a spark, a glimmer of hope, and my mind started to daydream…

I could make whatever projects I wanted.  I could interview other artists in their studios.  I could travel and take classes anywhere in the world, and write about my experiences.  I could share how I made the project.  I could explore other media and learn to make different things…

So, now what?  Do I keep to the original plan, or do I make a different choice?  Now that I’m no longer resisting a different path, I feel like the world just opened up to me.

Before going to bed, I remember saying out loud, “I’ll sell off my supplies.  That will make me some money to pay the upcoming bills, and we’ll go from there.”

I woke up the next morning, and started to feel FREE!  I wasn’t afraid to start something new.  I was excited about the possibilities that would unfold as I let go of what wasn’t working.  I could keep what I liked about this business and change the rest!

A few days later, I now have bare bones for tools, a bit of glass to make the BIG projects that have been calling my name, and a clear schedule to write about the whole process.

 

I’ve never been so happy in my life.

 

Yes, there are people who are disappointed.  Mostly students who thought that I’d be doing this forever, and perhaps took me for granted.  Maybe I didn’t convey to them that I am a wandering gypsy, and I’ve been sitting still for too long.  Maybe they thought I was normal.  Maybe I let them think I was normal.

Regardless, I have faith that it will all work out.  As people buy my stuff, they’re wondering what kind of writing and blogging I’ll be doing.

And I’m looking at them funny, like, “what do you mean?  I’ll be doing the same thing I’m doing now, just playing Bigger!  I’ll be able to reach more people, and I can document all of the details that people will need years from now.”

They look at me like, “why can’t you just keep teaching then?”

I’ve realized that I’m not here to be a people pleaser.  I’m not intentionally trying to hurt people or piss them off, I’m here to do what makes my heart happy, and along the way, I can help them to figure out what makes their heart happy.

The ones that are mad at me, are thinking about themselves not me.  It’s a natural reaction, and I totally understand.  But I’m not going to stop moving myself forward because they’re unhappy with this decision.  We will either find a way to continue working together, or they’ll find someone else.

In fact, some of the fans have “unliked” my Facebook page.  Ok cool!  I hope they find the mentor they need!  Thanks for your part in my journey!  I wish you the best!

You can’t please all of the people, all of the time.

I am grateful for the support and optimism from people who do continue to follow along on this crazy journey of mine.

I am happy to help motivate, encourage and cheerlead anyone who wants to live a similar path.  It’s not always easy.  Some parts are more difficult than others, but it is worth it.

Looking forward to what tomorrow brings!  See you then!

Dream BIG❤️Create Often❤️Inspire Others

Brandi Penrose ~ CuteCraftyGirl

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