Abundance Deep Dive: Day 6

Dear Diary,

I had resistance to sharing about this day.  Not because the material itself is causing resistance, but because it came easy to me.

The video for today covers most of what Steve talked about, so I’m going to write about the resistance I’m feeling.

When I was younger, almost everything came easy and natural to me.  I was crafty right from the start:  Learning how to knit, crochet and sew.  I could see the finished project as a 3D model in my mind if I closed my eyes, and I could even turn it inside out to make sure I knew how to create it.

I thought everyone could do that.

I was 9 years old making adjustments to sewing patterns, and whipping things up without a pattern because my mind figured it out first.

By the time I was 12, I realized not everyone could do this, and some people struggle with the linear thought process, let alone thinking in 3D and being able to modify that model to make tweaks and adjustments.  That blew my mind!  Why are they struggling?  This is SO EASY!

 

When I was 14, I started to feel resistance from friends and peers.

There was pressure to get good grades, and the girls in my school were very competitive academically.  I remember the chatter one day, about how much they’d studied for the test we were about to take.  They were bragging about how many hours it took them, and it was almost like whoever spent the longest studying, the better the grade would be.

I thought they were crazy.  I glanced over my notes the night before while watching Much Music on TV, and called it a day.  As usual, I aced the test, and was ready to celebrate.  Little did I know, that would be the start of me pinning a target on my own back.

Some of these study bunnies barely scraped a “B” and were pissed right off at “How perfect and easy everything is for Brandi…”

WTF?  Why are these chicks mad at me?  We’re in grade 8, and this shit isn’t going to matter years from now, so why do they care that I slapped this shit together and got an easy “A”?

It started happening in almost every class.  I’d notice that I wasn’t getting picked to be someone’s partner, or on a team for a project.  I often had to fly solo, and continued my same approach:  do the bare minimum, and expect an “A.”  My strategy usually worked, and I’d spend my time doing what I loved:  Watching music videos being crafty.

I remember clearly, in Home Economics, when we were learning how to sew.  I’d already been sewing for a number of years, so I was beyond the basic crafts.  One of my peers asked me for help with reading a pattern.  She’d picked a Pattern brand that was notorious for making shitty instructions, but I was shocked that my teacher was struggling to figure it all out.

I looked at the cut pieces of fabric, and told her how to sew it together.  Of course, it wasn’t anything close to the instructions, which was the entire point.

 

Why follow something that’s complicated and ridiculous when you can take a short cut that has better results?

 

My teacher looked at me, and told me to “go away” and “work on my own project.”  I shrugged my shoulders and walked away, grateful that my brain could build that project in my mind, and that I didn’t need those shitty instructions, or the extra complication.

I wasn’t mad or hurt by my teacher, but I was curious why she was mad at me.  That was the first time I experienced a mentor getting frustrated with me for succeeding.

 

I’m not interested in competing with anyone.  I hope we all make it.

 

Some of the best teachers in my life, I ended up passing right by them.  I found they had the exact reaction as my teacher did that day.  A slight irritation, a hint of bitterness, and not quite happy for me that I’m making it happen.

Of course this is all my perception.  Part of my own story in my head that has grown and been magnified in my life.

It took me years to realize that their approval was important to me.  And when I didn’t get it, I’d dumb myself down or sabotage my results to be accepted and well liked.

People like the Brandi with flaws and mistakes.

If I only knew then, what I know now:  I didn’t need to sabotage anything.  I could still have things flow effortlessly, and still make monumental mistakes to make me flawed.  (Identity Theft, 2 Foreclosed Mortgages, a Bankruptcy, new credit card debt that was supposed to rebuild my credit, and now and endless stream of debt collectors that have me on speed dial)

I’m now 36, and just forgiving myself for giving away my power.  Forgiving myself for not letting that confident, artistic and creative girl shine through no matter what.  I let that doubt creep in and it took over.

Fast forward, and why is this important now?

Some parts of this challenge are coming easy to me.  I am able to make decisions quickly, and those choices are pulling me out of the pit of despair and I’m moving forward, full steam ahead!

What’s the problem with that?

I feel guilty.  

I feel for the people that are still stuck.  I have resistance to succeeding because people that I was learning with, are not moving forward.

I go into autopilot of wanting to hold myself back so I’ll be accepted.  It’s so engrained in me, that it is an instant reaction.

I have to stop myself, and remind myself that it’s ok to be awesome.  

I’m not bragging.  I’m looking at the facts.  It’s almost like a formula that other people could follow:

  1. Change your thoughts, and your vibration will shift
  2. With the new vibration, lean into the synchronicities
  3. Take action on whatever my intuition tells me to do

It’s not complicated, and it can feel effortless to shift.  Letting go of past hurt can be a challenge.  I forgive my 14-year-old self: for taking 8th grade competitive bullshit so personally, and for letting it take over my life.

I am not my circumstances.

That was just a chapter in my story.  I have the opportunity to make a new choice, and to develop my character to be Bold, Brave, Outgoing, Creative, Successful, Happy, Bubbly, and embrace the fact that so many things come Easy and Effortlessly. 

I am able to help others develop skills and talents when I tune into my own gifts.  I can give Encouragement, Hope and Ideas effortlessly, and still have energy to tackle goals that are important to me.

I needed that experience of feeling judged, resented, and rejected in order to see a different perspective.

All of my experiences have shaped me into who I am today, and I am grateful.

I am becoming my BEST SELF!

I hope you are becoming your BEST SELF too!!

Until Tomorrow!

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Brandi Penrose ~ CuteCraftyGirl

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