Abundance Deep Dive Day 1

Photo Courtesy of Austin Chan

Abundance Deep Dive: Day 1

Dear Diary:

Today was an epic start!  I’ve been looking forward to this challenge, and it is happening at the best possible time.  I am flat broke.  I have no idea when or how much my next paycheque will be, and I have no idea how I will pay my bills.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.  I need to paint a picture for people reading this, so they have some knowledge of where I’m coming from.

Prior to the Deep Dive starting, I was busy wallowing in my situation, trying to figure out how to make more money.  I was working on my new website, thinking it’s the answer to my situation, when I got an email from Steve Pavlina’s newsletter.

Steve described the Deep Dive, and would anyone be interested?  This seemed like a beacon of hope for me!  It was meant to be at the exact moment I needed it.  Just one tiny problem: I had no idea how I would come up with $97 USD.

Maybe I could sell some stuff?  I’ve already downsized to the bare essentials, but I have art classes, old projects and odds and ends laying around I could sell.  So I’m posting my stuff like crazy, hoping to make some cash.

I woke up one morning remembering that I had some US cash in my travel wallet, and I could use my float from festivals if I really needed to.  I’d be breaking 2 agreements with myself if I chose to use this money.  1.  Never use the float money unless its to make change for a customer, and 2. Keep all leftover travel money for TRAVEL.

I thought about all of my bills piling up.  Maybe I should use this “new found money” to pay my bills and be a responsible adult.  Maybe I shouldn’t be so “careless and bad” with money.  Maybe if I stopped doing these impulsive things, I wouldn’t be in this mess.  Maybe…

 

STOP.  Just Stop.

 

This email came to me for a reason.  If I had the $97 USD sitting around, I wouldn’t be talking to myself this way.  I’d be jumping for joy and celebrating this experience.

Yes, I have outstanding bills.  Yes, my bank account is at an all time low.  No, I don’t have money coming in at the moment.  Yes, I have made monster mistakes with money.  How long am I going to beat myself up about it?

I made the choice to pay for the Deep Dive.  I need this right now.  To spend 30 Days with one of my favourite humans on the planet, as he helps hundreds of us with the same problem.  I will regret this forever if I don’t do this.  I will be heartbroken and still be flat broke if I use this money for bills instead of this Deep Dive.

 

I didn’t feel like I could tell anyone about it. 

 

There is shame wrapped around this situation, as well as people’s opinions and unwanted advice.  I need to know why this keeps happening to me.  Why this same rollercoaster shows up over and over again.  How am I creating this?  How can I stop it and choose something else?

In that email from Steve, he asked us all to reply back, answering 2 questions about Abundance:  What are our Biggest Challenges and What would it take for this Deep Dive to be a win for me?  He was going to personally read all of the emails and use that info to tailor the Deep Dive to our needs.

I nearly peed my pants with excitement that I was going to email one of my mentors, and that he would actually read it!  I didn’t hold back, and I didn’t filter myself.  I answered the questions, and I was so grateful to have that experience.  I was giddy for days, and feeling more and more that this is what I needed in my life right now.

A few days later, Steve emailed me back!!  I was so shocked and excited!  Holy Shit!  He read it and wrote back!

I was instantly hopeful.  It wasn’t the words he wrote, or the fact that the Deep Dive was a great option for me.  It was that he actually wrote me back.  He took time out of his day to try and understand me, and he’s figuring out how to help me.

 

Now, I’ve decided: I am going to do everything I can to make sure I’m in that Deep Dive!

 

Steve sent out an email days before the fee was due, to recap what the 30 Days would be about.  He included a video describing the 3 main types he found with the feedback from the emails.  He broke it down as to what each one is challenged with, and what they need most for healing.

I instantly recognized that I was in the first group he mentioned, and a little of the last group.  I also instantly recognized that the second group is my ideal client.  What I have coming to me naturally, they want, and what comes to them naturally, I want.  Win/Win.

On Monday, July 30, I happily drove to the bank and deposited my coin and cash, knowing that I was breaking my 2 agreements, and that I’d have to renegotiate with myself for a few different beliefs and choices.

  1. I might not be able to pay my bills on time, and there will be consequences.
  2. I need to be kind with myself as I go through this.
  3. I will be doing something I’ve never done before:  choosing me instead of “being responsible”
  4. I’m going to keep this to myself, and protect myself from negativity that isn’t mine.
  5. Money will come back.  I want to remember this experience forever.

I am worthy of doing this.  I have made mistakes and poor choices in the past.  I am human.  But the problem is, it feels like I am slowly dying.

I council myself as I go and separate truth and facts from feelings.  What’s really happening is the shame, guilt, blame, hurt, and unworthiness.  All of those things piled together are slowly killing me.

Not having money itself will not kill me.  Paying my bills late, will not kill me.  (I don’t have a loan shark after me, so I’m pretty sure I’ll survive this)

At the same time as Steve’s email hits my inbox, I’m going through a transition with my business.  I’m not having fun, and the work is just to “get money to pay the bills.”  Sometimes my students say they’re loving the class, and I feel guilty.  I’m not at 100% while I’m teaching, and I’m taking their money anyway, because I need it. 

I’m in a struggle with working to pay bills, and hating this life I’ve created.  There are so many people that would do anything to have what I’ve created, and I just want to land on a deserted island and barricade myself off from the world.

They keep asking for more classes, and I want to push them away.  What the fuck is wrong with me?  Why am I feeling so ungrateful?  I also need the money, so I can’t really say no.

 

Rinse and Repeat

 

Summers are slow for classes.  I made enough money in the spring to float me through the summer, until I spent it all.  Mostly on Fairy Garden stuff and starting a new business, which I handed off to my mom.  If I’m being honest, I knew it wouldn’t work.

She had never done anything like that before, and her learning curve was a cliff: straight up.  The only time we made progress on the business was if I was there poking and prodding her.  She would often drop comments like “Brandi is making me do this” or “She’s a slave driver.”

She’s right.  I was.  Starting a new business takes work, but it can also be fun.  I was having fun while doing it.  She wasn’t.  Taking endless photos and making descriptions of items wasn’t her cup of tea.

Part of me wishes I knew that before we purchased hundreds of items to make and sell.  Sometimes, you don’t know what it’s like until you’re smack dab in the middle of it.  And that’s ok.

 

Stop holding onto a mistake just because it took you a long time to make it.  Just Let go.

 

So I did.  I gave her everything she would need to get it going and succeed.  She would need to put in the work, and she could make it her own.  I also set it up so she would profit from all future sales, and I cut myself out of the equation.

I made the choice to spend my “August money” in April.  I knew it could be a mistake.  But I also don’t live for regrets.  I didn’t want to look back at this moment of my life and say “what if?”

I always want to look back, and smile.  Sometimes shake my head at whatever crazy idea or chance I took, but never regret.  Lots of mistakes and poor choices, but never regret.  Lots of lessons, cool experiences and memories, never regret.

As I hand off Fairy Gardens, I think about my Stained Glass business, and my Face Painting business.  I spend even more money getting tools and equipment to set myself up with Airbrush Tattoos.

Long story short, I’ve almost broken even on that investment, and I still have no regrets.  I invest in art, tools, supplies and a dream.  I get that these things won’t pay me in my old age, they don’t offer security, and they are sometimes a distraction vs a solution.

But here’s what they do offer:  FUN.  Creativity.  Joy.  Happiness.  Excitement.  Laughter.  Memories.

 

When was the last time you had a crazy idea and actually saw it through?  What was it?  Did it work like you intended?  Sometimes those risks, chances and opportunities are what shape our character, while feeding the soul.

 

Immediately after joining the Deep Dive, Steve sent a few emails about previous articles/content regarding Abundance, and I dove in head first.  I am curious how to “fix” my own Abundance issues, but I’m also curious about my ideal client.

For them, dropping everything to start a Fairy Garden business, or to Face Paint thousands of kids at a Children’s Festival is unheard of.  Why is that?  What about it is too risky to try?  Does it revolve around money, security, values?

Why is it that I’m ok with the possibility of being poor as long as I have fun doing it?  As long as I tried my best and gave it 100% I have no regrets?  Why do they stick to their “boring” lives and keep their daydreams as a fantasy?

I could help them.  In fact, I’ve helped them before!  If I made a list of all of my favourite students, I bet that they would all have something in common.

So I did just that.  Right after I deposited my money for the Deep Dive, I started journalling.  Who are my favourite people to teach?  What is it about them that feels so effortless?  Why do I love them more than the other students?

I realized that they all have come to the realization that life is short, so do what you love.  They all LOVE and APPRECIATE me and my talents, and they also loved paying me for my service.  Not one complained, asked for a deal, a discount or a favour.  In fact, a few of them bought all the tools and supplies from me, and a few even bought my finished Art.

If all of my customers were like this, I would have the best life.  I would move mountains to come up with new ideas, projects and whatever else they needed, because it’s effortless to teach them.

I also realized that I’m happier when I spend time with these people.  I become the best version of myself, and life is effortless too.

 

As I sat in my car, I wrote out all the things I’m good at, and everything that comes effortless to me.

 

I sometimes forget about creativity.  It’s the one thing in my life that is always constant, and Abundant.  No matter what circumstance, I always have ideas flowing.  I can find inspiration just about anywhere.

Being creative when I’m in this state is effortless as well.  Hours pass like seconds, and I’m completely consumed with what I’m doing.  I love it when I’m in that state.  Everything is easy and breezy in that state.  But how do I get there?  How can I stay there?

It turns out, the answer is quite simple: Trust and Faith.

I know that I am Abundant with creativity, and I don’t ever second guess it.  It shows up, I take action, and BOOM!  I make cool shit appear like magic.  It does take “work” but it doesn’t feel like work.  I just get busy and keep going until it’s done.

I’m usually having FUN while I’m doing it.  The idea came in a flash, and I won’t stop for anything until I see it through.  Inspiration is a wonderful feeling.  Accomplishment is the icing on the Inspiration cake.  

I don’t worry about what people will say.  I don’t worry about trying to sell it, or how I will make money with it.  I just do it.  Live in the moment.  And I usually LOVE what I created.  It feels like a visual representation of what my heart and soul look like on the inside.

That is what some people are missing.  They get caught up in analysis paralysis and don’t do a damned thing.  I know, because I do it too.  I let the details bog me down instead of just creating.

My website is a great example.  I’ve changed each page at least twice, some 3 or 4 times now.  Yes, some of the details were done from a harsh marketing perspective, and not from a heart space, so they needed to change.  But I was also doing that work to avoid the blog.

 

I had it in my mind that the blog needed to be about making art and that’s it.

 

The truth is:  it’s not as simple as that.  Life gets tangled up when making art, and this is my life right now.  Falling apart, unfolding, rebuilding, and moving forward.  Starting over with the pieces I want to carry with me, and saying goodbye to the ones that no longer serve me.

For a while now, the death card has come up in my tarot readings.  I had a feeling that Stained Glass was what needed to die in order for me to be happy.  I resisted it, because I still LOVE glass.  In fact, I spent another $400 in more glass for the upcoming Retreats.

How could I kill off something that’s paying my bills?  How could I turn my back on it when I still love it?

If I was to be honest, I didn’t love all of it.  There are some classes I love more than others, and some are more effortless that others.  What I really wanted to do, was kill off the stuff I don’t like and keep the rest.  The problem:  People like the stuff I want to kill off.  Fuck.  Now what?

I was miserable for 6 months trying to figure out what needed to die.  As I started building the site, I figured out that I didn’t actually have to kill anything.  I just needed to reframe it for me, and repackage it for everyone else.  If it withered away in that process, that would be ideal.  I’d get the space to create something better, but I’d still keep it available to those who really wanted it.  Win/Win.

 

Everything happens in good time. 

 

I’m writing effortlessly, both about the Deep Dive, and what lead up to it.  It’s flowing, and without being a perfect polished piece, I will post it to my creativity blog.  This is part of my journey.  So instead of putting an “instagram filter” on it to make it look more appealing than it really is, I’m going to be real.  Nothing fake, just me being me. 

 

What you see is what you get.

 

Today was the first zoom video from Steve for the Deep Dive.  I wrote down notes as I went, and immediately took a walk to recap how I felt.  It’s blazing hot outside, and the wind was quite breezy and I chose to walk alongside the highway, which normally doesn’t even phase me, but I realized that the noise on the video is quite annoying.  Oops.  I’ll find a better location next time.  What was more important to me, was sharing the info and experience while it was fresh!

I have already been experiencing synchronicities, and a lot of what was covered in Day 1 was review.  I found the chat box distracting, as did others, and I found that Steve rambles off topic sometimes.  I’m so used to watching videos that have the option to increase the playback speed, so Steve talking at normal speed was a little bit painful.

Other than the technical details, and things I cannot change, I wrote down a few take-aways:

  1. What can I do differently to feel Abundant on the inside?  How can I share that with others?
  2. I have control over my emotions, and how I feel.  I can’t control the physical (environment, money, etc)
  3. I create for me, and for FUN.  Not to make money.  That never works out, and isn’t sustainable
  4. Abundance is inside out.  Create from alignment, not from neediness.
  5. If I could change anything in the world to make this a paradise, what would I do?  What would it then look like?
  6. What is my earliest Trust violation?
  7. What if that violation was a gift?

These are of course, my a-ha moments based on my own beliefs, values, and understanding of Abundance, life and personal development.

After watching my video, I’m amazed at some of the language I use. (not the cursing, that’s normal!)  The fact that I take this as a “challenge”, that I’m already experiencing “peace”, and saying things like “absolute certainty” make me feel good.

I realize how far I’ve come on my journey so far, and that this experience is going to change my life forever.  I can feel the difference already.  If I can figure out how to live the rest of my life with this feeling, or even learn to enhance it and share it with others, I would be so honoured.

Before this all started, I had this feeling like the challenge would “save me” somehow, and I’d be crazy not to do it.  As time moved on, and I kept brainstorming ideas on what I could do for money, my initial assessment of the Deep Dive changed.

For one thing, I call it a challenge.  It has never been conveyed by Steve that it is something to be conquered or mastered in 30 Days.  I somehow did that on my own.  Like, if I finish this challenge, I’ll be Abundant and money will fall from the sky like magic.

It’s not actually about money at all.  It’s about Trust.  Having Faith that life is working out for my highest good, and that the Universe has my back.  I’ve been doing affirmations and visualizations for the past few days, and I think my new state of peace is largely due to the fact that I am flat broke.

If I had money in the bank, I don’t know that I would believe this.  But since I have nothing left to lose, only everything to gain, and have tried everything I can think of to change it, with nothing working, all I have left is faith.

 

I have unwavering Faith in my creativity!

 

It’s Abundant, and limitless.  Who did that?  Life?  The Universe?  Me?  How about all of it combined?  How cool might that be?

So if that is true, perhaps having Faith in Life and the Universe will cause me to feel Abundance in other areas of my life too 🙂

You’re welcome to watch my selfie video with traffic, wind and shaking hand while walking.  I’m also open to receiving a stabilizer for future videos, and I’m confident that the perfect one will make its way to me!

Until tomorrow!

Dream BIG<img class=” />Create Often<img class=” />Inspire Others

Brandi Penrose ~ CuteCraftyGirl

>